


I Want To Say Sorry (But I Love You So Much)

by bb_bambam



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Jongdae-centric - Freeform, M/M, Possibly Unrequited Love, because like i said...implied unrequited but there's room for development??, he kind of exhibits some symptoms of depression? or at least my experiences of it, i'm sorry jongdae, like...a little bit of fluff but mostly angsty, the possibly is there bc it's kind of implied that it's unrequited but like??, very angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-17
Updated: 2017-10-17
Packaged: 2019-01-18 13:11:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12388740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bb_bambam/pseuds/bb_bambam
Summary: “The three of them, they’re the only remaining members of M, and even though everyone in EXO loved the members who left, Jongdae, Yixing, and Minseok have a bond with them that the K members can’t really share.”Or: the fall of EXO-M through Jongdae's eyes.





	I Want To Say Sorry (But I Love You So Much)

Jongdae has always had many expectations for himself. He’s dreamt of being a singer since the first time someone told him his singing voice was something special. When he auditioned for SM and ended up earning a spot in the company, he started dreaming of one day debuting, maybe in a group or perhaps as a solo artist. Of course, he never expected that his eventual debut as an idol would result in him spending more time in China than in Korea, nor that when he sang, it would be in Mandarin rather than Korean.

But as fate would have it, he ends up in EXO-M, the Chinese subgroup of SM Entertainment’s EXO.

~~~

The full plan isn’t revealed until later. At first, all they’re told is that the group will contain twelve people, a mixture of Korean and Chinese members. And Jongdae thinks twelve is a lot, is probably too many people to get to know and develop close relationships with right before their prospective debut. But instead, it turns out to be easy, so easy, to become friends with all of them, and within the course of just a few weeks, Jongdae realizes that he’s already strongly attached to every single one of them.

Kim Minseok, the oldest, is quiet and extremely easy to get along with. Jongdae quickly finds that he meshes very well with Minseok, mostly because Minseok is content to sit and listen to Jongdae chatter nonstop about nothing and everything. It’s nice, spending time with the older boy. He almost reminds Jongdae of his brother, and that makes his presence soothing, in a way. So it doesn’t feel weird for Jongdae to start trying to hang out with Minseok more (“trying,” because it’s quite difficult to find times when Luhan isn’t around to sweep Minseok away).

When he first meets Luhan, Jongdae is somewhat intimidated by him (something he will never admit to the older boy, ever). In Jongdae’s defense, it isn’t difficult to be at least a little overwhelmed, because not only can the Chinese boy speak nearly flawless Korean, he also has a beautiful singing voice, is incredibly good at dancing, _and_ happens to be extremely attractive. Despite this, Jongdae very quickly learns that there’s much more to Luhan than his many talents. He loves many things: soccer, coffee, joking around ( _and Minseok_ , Jongdae comes to realize just a few weeks after meeting him), and is a really good friend.

Wu Yifan (“preferably Kris,” as he introduces himself) is another intimidating figure at first, largely because he looks like he’s scowling most of the time. Like with Luhan, Jongdae’s first impression is proven wrong, because Kris turns out to be one of the most awkward people Jongdae has ever met. He tries to act chic and suave in public, Jongdae notes with amusement, but he’s also willing to put himself in quite embarrassing situations for the sake of the rest of them. Kris is really just a dork at heart, and it takes no time at all for Jongdae to grow extremely fond of him.

More than anything, Kim Junmyeon reminds Jongdae of a stressed-out mother. He’s had the longest training period out of all of them, and Jongdae admires that after all this time, Junmyeon is not only still dedicated to always being at his best, but he also puts in extra hours to help everyone else be at their best too. It isn’t surprising to any of them when Junmyeon comes back to the dorm one night and tells them that he’s officially been named the leader of EXO. Pretty much all the members, Jongdae included, love messing with Junmyeon to get a reaction out of him, but Jongdae knows they all also love and respect him, and would defend him against anything.

Jongdae doesn’t really know what to make of Zhang Yixing at first. Their communication is stunted at best: Jongdae can’t speak Mandarin, and while Yixing speaks Korean fairly well, it’s still difficult to hold a conversation. But Yixing is brilliant at dancing while Jongdae is utterly hopeless, and that, of all things, is what brings them together. Yixing has a habit of staying at the studio after everyone else has left to continue practicing, and at some point, Jongdae begins to join him. The first few days are silent, with just music filling the air as Yixing quietly demonstrates the moves correctly and Jongdae attempts to replicate them. Conversation comes later, as they become more comfortable with each other, until their midnight sessions are more about getting to know each other than about improving Jongdae’s dancing.

Byun Baekhyun is probably the most annoying person Jongdae has ever met; Jongdae likes him immediately. They get along extremely well, in part because they’re the same age, but also because they arrive at SM at roughly the same time and complete almost all their training together because they’re both vocalists. It also turns out that their personalities match quite well. Together, they’re a formidable force, both in singing and in irritating the other members. No matter how loud Baekhyun can be, he’s also fiercely protective of his friends and is one of the most amiable people Jongdae knows. They’ve only known each other for a relatively short amount of time, but Jongdae already knows Baekhyun is going to be his best friend.

Park Chanyeol is similar to Baekhyun in age and personality, but he’s also very different. Jongdae learns that it’s somewhat easier to share his deepest fears and insecurities with Chanyeol, because he has a way of making Jongdae feel better, no matter what. Chanyeol is only two months younger than Jongdae, but Jongdae feels a sort of responsibility over him anyway, and he thinks Chanyeol maybe feels the same way about him even though Jongdae is older. In all honesty, it’s a comforting thought, because Chanyeol is outgoing and caring and kind and unquestionably Jongdae’s (other) best friend.

(Being a group of three best friends was always going to make for an interesting dynamic, but it’s influenced considerably by the fact that Chanyeol and Baekhyun are very obviously and unabashedly smitten with each other. Even though they’re really quite good about being inclusive, Jongdae sometimes feels like he’s intruding anyway. It’s good, then, that to be honest, he’s not really bothered by it: mostly, the whole situation is amusing to him, and he anticipates a time someday in the future when he’ll get to play matchmaker for them.)

Jongdae hears about Do Kyungsoo before he actually meets him, and when he finally does, his immediate feeling is that people’s descriptions of the boy aren’t really telling the whole story. He’s heard that Kyungsoo comes off as emotionless and even scary, and he can see where the people who say that are coming from, but as he gets to know Kyungsoo better and better, he sees how much more there is to the younger boy. Sure, Kyungsoo is more reserved and less expressive than the others, but he’s also very sweet and undeniably genuine, and Jongdae _might_ have (definitely has) a rather large soft spot for him.

From the first time he meets Huang Zitao, Jongdae knows right away that he’s going to like the boy. Tao appears to be tough and mature initially, because despite his weak Korean skills, he makes sure that it’s well-known that he has extensive martial arts training. But after getting to know him better and helping him with his Korean along the way, Jongdae learns that in fact, Tao is scared of nearly everything and tends to be extremely emotional. He’s really just a sweet kid, and Jongdae feels highly protective over him.

Kim Jongin confuses Jongdae at first, not because he’s a confusing person, but because it’s like he has two distinct personalities that he can switch between. Most of the time, he’s adorable and sweet and it’s easy to forget that he isn’t actually the maknae of the group. But when he’s dancing, he’s an entirely different person, oozing confidence and maturity and breathtaking talent. Jongdae admires that side of Jongin, of course, and he anticipates that it’ll be a huge popularity boost for the group as a whole, but secretly, he loves when he can baby and coddle the younger boy much more.

Jongdae’s first impression of Oh Sehun is that he’s a very unusual maknae. Unlike Jongin, who’s relatively open to acting cute and innocent, Sehun is close to expressionless most of the time. He’s more handsome than he is cute, which is generally uncommon for younger members, but it suits him well. Despite his blank expressions, Jongdae finds that Sehun is really young at heart. He likes it best when he catches Sehun giggling about something with Jongin or trying to get things from his hyungs just by virtue of being the youngest (they all call him out on it, but they also always give in to his demands anyway).

Of course, just when all twelve of them have managed to form bonds with each other, SM throws them off-kilter with an update on their debut situation. The group will be divided into two, they’re told - one half targeting Korean audiences and the other focused towards Chinese fans. There’s just one catch: because there are only four Chinese members, two of the China-group members will be Korean.

Of the twelve members, Jongdae knows he’s one of the least experienced. He and Baekhyun have both had the shortest training periods, which means that theoretically, their professional maturity isn’t at the level of everyone else’s. On top of that, everyone knows that out of all the Korean members, Kyungsoo speaks Mandarin reasonably well, whereas Jongdae has absolutely no prior experience. He thinks this will probably eliminate him from any consideration of being placed in the Chinese group. He thinks wrong.

Unexpectedly, the higher-ups approach him first to ask what his thoughts are on possibly debuting with the Chinese unit. The fact that he doesn’t know Mandarin won’t be a problem, he’s told, because he’ll be taking lessons regularly and a translator will usually be present during interviews. They also mention that he would be guaranteed a spot as one of the main vocals, Luhan being the other, if he says yes. And Jongdae knows it’s not much of a choice, because they’re making it all seem so easy, so he accepts readily.

And so he’s set to debut, not just as a member of EXO, but also as a member of EXO-M.

~~~

Even before they debut, Jongdae comes to realize that the two entities aren’t the same. Being part of EXO-M is an entirely different experience than being part of EXO as a whole.

Just a few days after the final divisions have been made, Kris sits all the M members down together for a group meeting. “Okay, so first things first, all our stage names have been decided,” Kris tells them. “Minseok-hyung, from now on, you’re Xiumin.” Out of the corner of his eye, Jongdae sees Minseok turning to Luhan, curiosity in his eyes, and knows Luhan is probably explaining what the name means.

Kris continues listing off their names. “Lu-ge, your name is the same, it’s just Luhan.” Luhan nods in approval. “Yixing, your name is Lay now.” Jongdae wonders how they came up with such a seemingly random name for Yixing, but Yixing seems to be okay with it (either that, or he doesn’t really care). “Jongdae, you’re Chen.” _Chen_. Jongdae replays the name over and over in his head. It’s easy to remember and simple enough to say. He vaguely wonders what it means. “Tao, you’re still Tao.” Tao smiles, clearly pleased that his stage name is his usual nickname. “And I’m just Kris.”

“So, how come you’re the one who knows all our names?” Luhan asks. He doesn’t say it in an accusing way, but Kris flinches slightly anyway.

“I was officially named as the leader of EXO-M,” Kris announces unceremoniously, in a way that doesn’t invite congratulations. “But I don’t think I’m a good fit for it,” he continues bluntly. “Yixing - I mean, _Lay_ \- was supposed to be the leader. I’m not right for this.” Jongdae looks around, unsure of what to say. The others seem to have the same problem; it’s uncharacteristic of Kris to be so insecure.

“Yes, you are.” Unexpectedly, it’s the usually-quiet Minseok who speaks up. Everyone looks at him in surprise, Kris included, and Minseok sighs. “Listen Kris, I’ve spent a lot of time observing the others. You do realize that _all_ the younger members look up to you, right?” The expression on Kris’s face suggests that in fact, he _doesn’t_ realize this.

“It’s true,” Luhan adds. “Sehun and Jongin might not always act like it, but they’re always telling me about some ‘cool’ thing they saw you do that they wish they could do too.” He makes quotes around the word “cool,” smiling teasingly, but his words are genuine nonetheless.

Jongdae glances at Minseok, who catches him and gives him a look that clearly says Jongdae should speak up too. “Yeah,” Jongdae agrees sincerely. “Chanyeol always talks about how much he admires your rapping and how he can learn a lot from you.”

“Me too,” Tao chimes in. “You’re like my role model, ge.” He’s quiet for a moment, before he hurriedly adds, “But don’t expect me to ever say something like that again!” Everyone laughs at that, and even Kris manages a smile; the atmosphere is suddenly much lighter.

Yixing, who’s been silent the whole time, quietly interjects with his own thoughts. “Kris-ge, I’m thankful that you think I would be a good leader, but I’m actually the one who told them to reconsider.” He smiles wryly. “The truth is, I’m not even good at taking care of myself.” _That’s true_ , Jongdae thinks, remembering Yixing’s waist injuries and his insistence on continuing to dance anyway. “How can I take care of a whole group? _You’re_ the best choice.”

“Junmyeon thinks so too,” Minseok inserts casually, and Kris whips his head around to look at Minseok so quickly, it’s almost comical.

“What?” Kris is clearly trying not to sound too eager, but he’s failing miserably. “He said that?”

Minseok shrugs, a smile tugging at the corner of his lips. “He’s been saying that he thinks you should be M’s leader pretty much since they first told us we would be split up. I’m sure he’ll be happy to hear that you officially are.”

Kris looks considerably happier after hearing this piece of information. Jongdae thinks it’s almost sweet, how much Kris values Junmyeon’s opinion. “I’ll tell him later then. And, um, thank you. All of you. For, you know. Saying all those things.”

They exchange amused looks, but their feelings are completely sincere as they smile reassuringly at Kris, at their leader. There’s nothing but fondness in Luhan’s voice as he replies, “No problem, _duizhang_.”

~~~

The first time Jongdae gets real a taste of what being a member EXO-M will feel like is when they start to specialize their training for their debut. The company makes K and M train separately most of the time, so the only time they really get to see each other is in the evenings when they eat together in the dorm. That alone takes time to get acclimated to; Jongdae misses messing around with Chanyeol and Baekhyun during dance practices, misses helping Sehun and Jongin pester Junmyeon for attention, misses Kyungsoo’s quiet but reassuring presence during vocal training. He wonder how he’ll be able to cope when they debut and start spending most of their time in different countries.

Jongdae feels overwhelmed a lot, because he knows his singing is the only thing carrying him right now; his dancing skills are nonexistent, and his lack of knowledge of Mandarin means that he won’t be able to effectively communicate during interviews for a long time. So he throws everything he has into improving his voice as much as he can, spending extra hours in the private practice rooms and doing whatever he can to lessen any strain on his throat.

The first time he tries to sing in Mandarin is, for lack of a better word, a disaster. He’s only half a verse in when he’s shut down by the supervisors. “Your pronunciation is completely wrong,” one of them says gruffly. “Do it again from the beginning.” Jongdae tries over and over, but it’s clear that he’s out of his depth and the supervisors don’t seem to care at all.

After the fifth time, Luhan, who’s been watching the whole time with his eyebrows furrowed, finally intervenes. “Can’t you see that he doesn’t know what the right pronunciation is?” he snaps at them, clearly frustrated. “Why can’t you help him understand what he’s doing wrong instead of criticizing him?”

“We don’t have time for a language lesson,” one of them tells Luhan coolly. “This needs to go quickly.”

“Well, it’s _never_ going to happen at all unless someone _helps_ him,” Luhan counters angrily. “Give me ten minutes and I guarantee his pronunciation will be better than it is now.”

“Fine,” is the reply Luhan receives once it becomes clear that he isn’t taking no for an answer. Luhan takes Jongdae by the wrist and pulls him out of the room without looking back once.

“Are you okay?” Luhan asks him immediately once they’re out of earshot of the others, and Jongdae kind of feels like crying at how concerned Luhan sounds.

“I’m fine,” Jongdae says quietly. “I’m sorry I kept messing up.”

Luhan’s face goes soft, his eyes full of worry. “It’s not your fault, Jongdae-yah. You’ve never had to sing in Mandarin before. They shouldn’t have been bullying you like that.”

“I should be better,” Jongdae whispers, his eyes starting to burn as he fights the tears threatening to spill over. “I’m holding everyone back.”

“Stop that,” Luhan tells him, pulling him into a tight hug. “You’re not holding anyone back. Mandarin is a _really difficult_ language. You’re doing _so_ well, especially considering you’ve never studied it before.” He wipes a stray tear off Jongdae’s cheek. “I’m gonna help you, okay? How about I sing it once so you can hear how it should sound, and we’ll go from there?”

Jongdae takes a deep breath and nods. “Thank you, Lu-ge.” He might not have very extensive knowledge of Mandarin, and his pronunciation might be completely off, but in this moment, seeing Luhan’s eyes light up with excitement and pride, Jongdae thinks this particular attempt to speak the language is completely worth it.

~~~

Jongdae doesn’t think of singing as something that’s easy. He has a gift, he knows. Singing comes very naturally to him, but it’s not without effort. He still spends hours upon hours practicing his scales every day. He has to watch what and how much he eats, how much he talks, how much exposure he has to the heat and to the cold, all to make sure his throat isn’t affected. He has a talent for singing, yes, but he would never classify it as _easy_.

Dancing is not Jongdae’s strong suit. He finds it daunting and difficult, and it frustrates him to no end when he can’t make his body move the way the choreographers want it to. Singing is his first priority of course, but he’s acutely aware of how crucial it is that he improve his dancing if EXO is ever going to make it as a successful group. He spends hours practicing with Minseok, with Luhan, with Yixing, trying and trying to get better. They’re very protective of him, always kind and willing to help, but it’s grueling work, and even though they’ve never once complained, he constantly feels guilty about the additional burden his slow progress places on them.

And if singing isn’t easy, and dancing isn’t his strong suit, then learning Mandarin is almost an impossibility. Jongdae struggles right from the start with his Mandarin lessons. He’s not gifted with languages the way Kris and Luhan are, and he doesn’t think he has the persistence and commitment that Yixing and Tao have. His difficulties with learning a new language make him admire his bandmates and their success with learning Korean even more than he already does.

Jongdae’s one consolation is that he has Minseok to commiserate with, because Minseok has just as much trouble with Mandarin as Jongdae does. They have their lessons together, and afterwards, they sit in Minseok’s room and try to solidify what they’ve learned. For hours, they read their notes together, practice their writing and their speaking together, and vent their frustrations to each other.

Sometimes though, it’s not enough to have Minseok with him. Jongdae loves his hyung, of course, and he values every moment they spend learning together, but the fact of the matter is that neither of them can really improve unless they go to the Chinese members. So when Jongdae really needs help, he goes to Yixing.

(At first, Jongdae thought that he would go to Luhan, but he saw the way Luhan’s face lit up the first time Minseok shyly asked him for help, and he definitely does not want to be stuck third-wheeling, so he gives up on that option. Learning from Tao is virtually out of the question, considering he’s still working hard to master Korean, and Kris is always busy with meetings about their upcoming schedules for after they debut, which means he doesn’t have much time to sit down with Jongdae to help him. So it’s a good thing that Jongdae likes learning from Yixing best anyway.)

Yixing is a really good teacher, Jongdae rapidly comes to find. He’s patient and understanding and never laughs at Jongdae’s horrible pronunciation. When Jongdae struggles with a particular word, Yixing slowly, carefully helps him perfect it until Jongdae feel confident about getting it right. Sometimes, when Jongdae is too worn out to properly study, Yixing teaches him how to say things in Changsha dialect and tells him stories about his life growing up in China. In return, Jongdae helps Yixing improve his Korean and recounts stories from his childhood too. And so, as much as Jongdae knows it’s supposed to serve an educational purpose, he thinks that most of the time, being with Yixing is simply _fun_.

~~~

The first few months after their debut are a whirlwind of interviews and performances. It’s a lot, especially for a new group like them, but EXO’s popularity is already high in China, a fact that’s brought up in every interview they do. Jongdae thinks that their nervousness at already having some success despite being such a young group is kind of transparent. Even without a solid grasp on Mandarin, Jongdae can tell that their first few interviews feel awkward and don’t flow well. There are noticeably long pauses and confusion over who should answer which questions. And of course, there’s the added complication of Minseok and Jongdae needing a translator, which further delays how quickly they can answer.

But despite their initial struggles, they slowly start to gain more confidence during their interviews and variety show appearances. The first time they all really feel fully comfortable is the first time they appear on Happy Camp. Yixing is already familiar with the MCs, which automatically makes everyone else feel less anxious. Jongdae loves that the atmosphere is so light and friendly, which is quite a different feeling from their previous interviews - not that those interviewers were unfriendly, but they all had a more formal feeling to them. (When they’re told that they’ll be returning to Happy Camp for one of their rare appearances as a group of twelve a few weeks later, Jongdae is elated.)

With each interview they do, Jongdae is reminded once again of how fond he is of all of them - Kris, with his usual strange combination of shyness and self-confidence; Luhan, with his inability to go more than five minutes without either interacting with or talking about Minseok; Yixing, with his eccentric but very endearing ways of answering questions; Tao, with his endeavors to seem more mature than they all know he really is; Minseok, with his timid attempts at Mandarin and proud smiles when the others nod approvingly at him.

Jongdae tries his best to practice his Mandarin during interviews, even though he and Minseok are mostly reliant on the translators. He glances at Luhan for approval when he can, or he leans over to ask Tao if he’s pronouncing something correctly while someone else is answering a question, or while they’re lying in their respective beds at night, he practices answers to commonly-asked questions so Kris can correct his responses.

And of course, Jongdae still goes to Yixing for more in-depth lessons, and quite honestly, he’s glad that debuting hasn’t changed how enjoyable their little study sessions are. During interviews and variety shows, he tries his best to say things in Changsha dialect whenever he can as a kind of thank-you to his friend. The MCs always find it endearing and the audience always seems to love it, which in themselves are good reasons to keep doing it. But more than anything else, Yixing’s small but proud dimpled smile every time Jongdae brings it up is motivation enough for him.

~~~

Jongdae has never claimed to be the most observant person in the world, but he’s also far from oblivious. And in all honesty, he would have to be blind to not see the way Minseok clings to Luhan like a lifeline, and even blinder to not see how Luhan clings back just as tightly. It’s been obvious, pretty much since the day they first met, that something deeper than friendship would eventually develop between them.

It’s particularly evident during interviews, when they’re all asked what they do in their limited free time and Luhan unfailingly answers that he plays soccer and goes out to eat or get coffee, never forgetting to specify that the person he does these things with is Minseok. Personally, Jongdae thinks that this reply probably makes it a little too obvious that Luhan and Minseok are utterly infatuated with each other, but somehow, no one else seems to find it strange.

It’s a running joke between the other members, how long it’ll take for Minseok and Luhan to finally stop dancing around each other. Jongdae is one of the most invested members in their relationship, mostly because he’s exposed to their interactions every moment of every day. Even so, nothing could prepare him for the sight that meets his eyes as he walks into Minseok’s room in the dorm one day; Minseok has Luhan pinned to the wall, kissing him fiercely, and Luhan’s fingers are hooked through the the belt loops of Minseok’s jeans, pulling him impossibly closer.

He’s seen it coming since the day he met them, but Jongdae still can’t help the gasp that escapes his mouth. “Minseok-hyung? Luhan-hyung? What are you doing?” The question slips out, even though the answer couldn’t be more obvious.

Minseok starts at the intrusion and quite literally jumps away from Luhan, spinning around to glare at Jongdae defensively. Jongdae can now clearly see their disheveled states, and from their hair alone, it seems like they’ve been at it for a while. “Nothing! We weren’t doing anything, Jongdae!”

“What do you mean, nothing?” Luhan asks, looking offended, his lips bright red and puffy. “It was pretty clearly something.”

“Shut up, Lu, you’re not _helping_ ,” Minseok hisses, looking anxious.

“Still,” Luhan insists, the stubbornness of his expression contrasting spectacularly with the softness of the comforting hand he has on Minseok’s waist. “Why pretend that it doesn’t mean anything?”

Minseok sighs deeply, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Don’t be ridiculous, _obviously_ it means something, but that’s not the point.”

“You two are _so_ cute,” Jongdae coos, watching them go back and forth with a mixture of amusement and disgust. “I can’t _wait_ to tell Baekhyun and Chanyeol about this.” He has his phone in his hands, a picture already taken and a message already half-typed out in their group chat.

“Don’t you dare,” Minseok warns, but the threat isn’t very effective given that, for all his physical strength, Minseok is about as intimidating as an angry kitten. Jongdae just giggles at him as he sends the message.

“Come on, hyung, it’s not like they don’t already know,” Jongdae reasons. “I just have proof now, so they finally have to pay up!”

“You _bet_ on us?” Minseok looks horrified; next to him, Luhan looks positively delighted. “Luhan, stop high-fiving him, you’re encouraging him!”

“It’s like you don’t know me at all, hyung,” Jongdae sighs, shaking his head as he accepts Luhan’s high-five happily. “Actually, now that I think about it, if this has been going on for more than two months, then we _all_ owe Kyungsoo.”

“Of course Kyungsoo would know best,” Luhan says proudly.

“I can’t believe this,” Minseok grumbles, mostly to himself. “My two supposedly favorite dongsaengs _and_ my boyfriend. Unreal.”

“Come on, Minseokkie, it’s okay. They were bound to find out eventually,” Luhan points out, pulling Minseok closer into his side.

“That’s true,” Jongdae agrees. “It’s not like you were subtle or anything. Even Yixing-hyung predicted this, and you _know_ how oblivious he is to _everything_.”

“Whatever,” Minseok mutters, his face still pulled into a pout even though it’s clear that he’s not actually upset. Luhan smiles fondly down at him and tugs him in for a kiss. Minseok attempts to protest, but eventually melts into it.

“And now I’m going to leave,” Jongdae announces to the room at large, because the two other occupants are becoming less and less concerned with his presence. “Enjoy yourselves, lovebirds.”

~~~

It feels like the blink of an eye, but suddenly, a whole year has gone by and EXO is ready to release a new album. Jongdae is beyond excited because unlike last time, all twelve of them will be promoting together. And as much as he’s loved the experience so far, he is beyond ready to be reunited with the other half of the group.

It doesn’t take long for Jongdae to notice that there’s dissonance between his image as a member of EXO versus his image as a member of EXO-M. Switching between the two is weird for him: in EXO-M, he’s part of the maknae line, one of the members to be doted upon, but in EXO, he’s suddenly one of the hyungs, with several members to dote on himself. It’s a transition that no one else really has to worry about, at least not to the extent that he does.

Jongdae doesn’t mind being in the role of a more responsible member, especially since being part of the beagle line means he can still act somewhat hyper. Moreover, it’s such a relief for everyone to finally be together that Jongdae thinks it really doesn’t even matter what his image has to be. Still, sometimes, as he watches Sehun manipulate Luhan into taking him out for bubble tea or Tao receive endless showers of affection from Junmyeon, there’s a tiny part of him that misses being one of the maknaes.

(He feels it most as they’re filming EXO’s Showtime, though that’s not to say he doesn’t love the experience, which he does - most of his favorite episodes are the ones where it’s all twelve of them together, where he’s cuddled into Baekhyun’s side on the couch or holding Jongin as they sit in silence on the practice room floor or filming everyone during their trip to the sea or enjoying a meal with his eleven favorite people in the world.

But even so, secretly, Jongdae has to admit that another one of his favorite moments of the whole show is going for a bike ride and eating snacks with Minseok and Luhan and Yixing. Minseok and Luhan seem like they’re not even trying to hide their relationship despite the cameras, and usually Jongdae would complain, but Yixing being there somehow makes watching the couple feel less annoying, so for once, Jongdae just lets himself enjoy it. And even though he ends up paying for all their food, being with the three older members makes him feel like the maknae again, just for a little bit.)

~~~

Splitting back up into their subgroups this time around is more difficult than Jongdae remembers. Maybe it’s because after all the promotions they’ve done, after spending so much time filming Showtime and their First Box, he’s gotten too used to having all twelve of them together again. Or maybe it’s because he’s gotten too comfortable with being back in Korea. Whatever the reason, saying goodbye to their K counterparts is even harder than he had imagined it would be.

They pick up where they left off, doing interviews and performing on shows, but a lot of the glamor has worn off for them. It’s hours and hours of hard work with little time to rest and recuperate. They’re shunted from one schedule to another, makeup layered on their faces to hide the dark circles growing under their eyes.

Jongdae loves the M members to death, of course he does, but he misses the K members so much it physically hurts him sometimes. He tries to talk to Minseok about it, and it helps both of them, but Minseok also has Luhan to help him through it in a way that Jongdae doesn’t have someone to do the same. He spends a lot of time texting the members in Korea, smiling down at his phone and wishing he could have been there in person to experience the things they tell him about: things like Chanyeol finally confessing to Baekhyun (Jongdae never got to play matchmaker after all), like Junmyeon finding Jongin cuddled up in Sehun’s bed one night, like Kyungsoo trying and failing to teach the maknaes how to cook.

(And maybe there’s another, more insidious reason for his homesickness. Because Jongdae can sense it in the air, somehow just _knows_ that EXO-M is slowly but surely starting to tear at the seams, and it scares him like nothing else ever has. It would be impossible for Jongdae, or any of them, to not have noticed how withdrawn Kris has become. It worries Jongdae to the point that he just tries to forget about it, hoping that the signs of Kris’s growing restlessness will disappear if he pays them no mind.)

He starts having trouble sleeping, but Kris doesn’t notice it, being too preoccupied with his own problems. Sometimes, Jongdae pulls out his wallet, which contains several pictures of all twelve of them together, as well as the picture Baekhyun gave him for Christmas (because yeah, he made a fuss about how it wasn’t a _real_ present at the time, but Jongdae actually did appreciate the gift from his best friend, not that he’ll ever let Baekhyun find out), just to look at them as he tries to fall asleep.

Other times, he scrolls through his phone’s camera feed and looks at all the pictures he has: of Junmyeon and Kris smiling small, secret smiles at each other, of Kyungsoo and Chanyeol cooking as Baekhyun bothers them, of Sehun and Jongin ganging up against Tao during a snowball fight - and it helps him relax enough to sleep. But mostly, he tosses and turns at night, wishing for home, wishing all twelve of them could just be together like they’re supposed to be.

Jongdae smiles as he knows he’s required to during photoshoots and performances and interviews, but it feels more and more strained with each passing day. And it’s made more difficult because even in their dorm, things aren’t they way they were before. Back during MAMA promotions, they still had their days packed with schedules, but when they returned to the dorm, they would sit together in the living room and turn on a movie: Minseok and Luhan huddled together under a blanket, Tao sprawled across the couch with his head in Kris’s lap, and Jongdae curled into Yixing’s side in their shared armchair.

But nowadays, they hardly ever have moments like that, everyone too stressed to do anything besides collapse on their beds in exhaustion. And Jongdae has the added worry that accompanies sharing a room with Kris, who he stays up waiting for every night, who sometimes never comes in to sleep at all.

Everyone is primarily worried about Kris and Jongdae knows it, so it’s a bit of a surprise when Yixing, who’s typically more oblivious than the others, pulls Jongdae into his room one night after a particularly grueling series of schedules, and sits Jongdae down on his bed before asking in a quiet, concerned voice, “Chen-ah, are you okay?”

Jongdae looks into Yixing’s worried eyes, and as much as his mind is screaming at him to say something, anything, all he can think about is how he wants that worry gone. “I’m fine, ge.” The Mandarin, which he had used to try to make Yixing feel better, rolls clumsily off his tongue.

“No you’re not,” Yixing replies in Korean, his voice laced with sadness and resignation as he sits down next to Jongdae. “Jongdae, I know we’re all exhausted but you look completely out of it.”

Jongdae looks down guiltily. “I might have been having some trouble sleeping lately,” Jongdae finally admits softly. “I stay up waiting for Kris-ge sometimes, but he doesn’t ever come to the room. And...I miss the others, Xing Xing-ge.”

“I know you do,” Yixing says gently. “We all do. But it’s worse for you, because you’re away from home too.”

“I should be used to it, though,” Jongdae sighs. “This isn’t the first time we’ve been away.”

Yixing shakes his head, smiling wryly. “It’s not something you can ever get used to.” He’s speaking from experience, Jongdae knows. He can’t help the rush of awe and admiration, mixed with something almost melancholic, that he feels for Yixing, who has lived in Korea for years by himself, without his family, learning a new language in an entirely new setting.

“Sometimes I feel guilty for feeling like this,” Jongdae tells Yixing suddenly. It’s something he’s never admitted out loud to anyone before, but it’s eaten away at him for weeks now. “You and Luhan-ge and Kris-ge and Tao all left your homes for _years_ to live by yourselves in a foreign country, and here I am after just a few months, complaining about how hard it is.”

Yixing looks at him, frowning slightly. “First of all, it’s been two years for you now, not just a few months. And anyway, you shouldn’t think like that, Jongdae-yah. You’re feelings aren’t _wrong_ just because someone might be going through something more difficult.”

Jongdae shrugs slightly, looking down. “I think I know that, somewhere in me, but I still can’t help it. And this is the first time I’ve really talked about it.”

“You shouldn’t keep your feelings hidden away like that,” Yixing tells him quietly. “It doesn’t have to be me if you don’t want, but you should talk to _someone_. You’ll sleep better at night, I promise. And if you don’t, then come sleep with me.”

“Thank you, gege,” Jongdae murmurs, the Mandarin coming almost naturally to him, and this time, it puts a smile on Yixing’s face as he pulls Jongdae into a tight hug. They fall asleep like that, still in that day's clothes, Jongdae feeling warm and safe wrapped in Yixing’s arms, and that’s how Luhan finds them on Yixing’s bed when he comes in to sleep half an hour later.

(When they wake up the next morning, there are twenty-eight new messages in the EXO group chat, thanks to the picture of them that Luhan sent the previous night.)

~~~

The problem with Kris’s departure isn’t really the fact that it _happens_ so much as it is the _way_ in which it happens. Kris unceremoniously drops the news on them just a day before he plans to leave. And while none of them can say they didn’t see it coming, because the atmosphere in the M dorm has been so strained for so long, there’s a marked difference between _thinking_ it might happen and receiving a solid confirmation that it _will_ happen, which is why the shock of hearing the words come out of Kris’s mouth leads Jongdae to storm out before Kris can even finish speaking.

Jongdae can hear the other members talking agitatedly behind him as he flees to his room, Yixing arguing that he should go after Jongdae and Luhan insisting that they should just give him time. He can hear quiet sniffles in the background and knows Tao is trying really hard not to cry.

When Jongdae hears the knock on his door, he expects it to be Yixing, or even Minseok, who had been quiet the entire time. He doesn’t expect Kris himself to walk in, his face contorted in worry. “Go _away_ , ge,” Jongdae hisses, shoving his face into his pillow in an attempt to prevent himself from bursting into tears.

“Chen,” Kris says softly, sitting on the edge of Jongdae’s bed carefully. “Jongdae, please look at me.” He lays a gentle hand on Jongdae’s shoulder, which Jongdae half-heartedly tries to push away. Kris persists, however, and tenderly pulls Jongdae up into a sitting position. There’s a moment of tension, and then Jongdae is burying his face in Kris’s chest as Kris tugs him in for a hug.

“ _Why_?” Jongdae sobs, his voice breaking as the tears finally begin to fall, his fist curling into Kris’s shirt. “Why didn’t you tell us sooner? Why didn’t you _talk_ to us? Don’t we mean anything to you?”

“I’m sorry,” Kris murmurs into his hair. “I’m so, so sorry Chen Chen. You mean the _world_ to me, all of you - don’t doubt that for even one second.” He holds Jongdae tighter. “I’m just - so sorry. I’m supposed to be your leader.”

“You _are_ our leader,” Jongdae sniffles, pulling away to look at Kris through teary eyes. “Even when you’re gone, you’ll still be our leader.”

“I don’t know if I deserve that,” Kris says quietly. “But thank you, Jongdae.” They sit there in silence for a while, Jongdae still wrapped in Kris’s arms as Kris rubs Jongdae’s back comfortingly. “Hey,” Kris starts, breaking the silence suddenly. “Can I finish explaining myself? You left before I was done, and I just - I want you to understand.”

“Of course,” Jongdae agrees immediately. There’s a tentative knock at the door and a muffled, “Can we come in too?” Despite the situation, it makes Jongdae and Kris share a tiny smile and roll their eyes fondly. Jongdae isn’t even slightly surprised that the others were listening outside the door; it was probably Luhan’s idea. “Just come in, everyone,” Jongdae calls.

They all file inside, everyone gathering around and climbing onto the bed. There really isn’t enough place for six people, but they all know that they _need_ to be close to each other right now.

“You know that my decision has nothing to with all of you, right?” Kris begins. Everyone nods, because that much is obvious. “Good. My problem is with SM, not with any of you, and definitely not with EXO in general either.” He takes a deep breath. “I know all of us had this dream, to be singers and performers and achieve things together. I admire all of you so much, for continuing to persevere through every awful thing we have to deal with so you can hold onto that dream. But I can’t live with being treated like a product and not a human being, and if it hasn’t changed even a little over all these years, then I don’t think it’s ever going to.”

He’s right, and they all know it. Jongdae has struggled a lot in China, because learning Mandarin is really hard, and a lot is still unfamiliar to him, but he’s never had to deal with a lot of what the Chinese members do. It’s been clear from day one that EXO-M as a whole is somewhat neglected in comparison to EXO-K, but even when all of them are together as EXO, the Chinese members receive different, and often inferior, treatment than the Korean ones.

On top of that, Jongdae has never had to worry about things like line distribution; as one of the main vocals, he always gets an abundance of lines (probably more than he deserves, he secretly thinks), unlike Kris, who barely gets anything. It’s something that has always bothered all of them, but like with most aspects of their situation, they’ve always been powerless to do anything about it.

“What are you going to do after?” Tao asks. He sounds like he has a bad cold, and Jongdae knows he must have been crying the whole time Kris was in here talking to him alone.

“I don’t know yet,” Kris admits. “I know I still want to be an artist, but we’ll see what happens.” He sighs deeply. “This is the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make. If you think I’m being selfish, I don’t blame you. I _feel_ selfish. I’m your _leader_ \- but here I am, letting you all down.”

“You don’t have to go,” Jongdae whispers, but he knows he’s hoping against hope. Kris already has one foot out the door.

“You know I can’t stay,” Kris counters, his voice laced with sadness. And Jongdae wants to scream, because he knows Kris is right, but it just isn’t _fair_ that Kris can choose to walk away from this (from all of them, his members, his _family_ ), and be sad about it, but still not regret it.

“Have you told the K members?” Luhan asks quietly after some time. The others aren’t in the dorm, currently having a schedule, but they’ve all been together for a few days now, preparing for EXO’s first tour.

The look on Kris’s face says everything that needs to be said. It’s not surprising at all; they know why he hasn’t done it yet. “You need to tell them soon, ge,” Yixing advises. “It’s - he’s only going to react worse the longer you wait.” Kris nods, trying to put on a brave face, but they aren’t fooled. They know their fearless duizhang inside and out, and if there’s one thing he’s really, truly afraid of, it’s hurting Kim Junmyeon.

(Despite that, or perhaps for that very reason, Kris leaves without ever telling him.)

~~~

Jongdae doesn’t know why the impact of Kris leaving lingers in his mind the way it does. He had been extremely fond of M’s former leader, of course - they had been roommates in the Chinese dorm and he had always been willing to help Jongdae with his Mandarin, but Jongdae hadn’t been close with him the way some of the others had: Tao, Sehun, and Chanyeol, who had worshipped him like an older brother; Luhan, who had cared for him like a younger brother; and of course, Junmyeon, who had been utterly in love with him.

Jongdae is sure that all the members are experiencing what he is, probably even worse in some cases, but with their concerts rapidly approaching, they aren’t even allowed time to be properly miserable. Even on the very next day after Kris officially left, the remaining members had been expected to show up for dance practice at the usual time, bright and early, ready to go full out. It had been ridiculously difficult, trying to act like nothing was wrong even as all their positions had to be changed to accommodate eleven people instead of twelve.

This forced pretense, Jongdae thinks, is probably why he finds it even harder to get out of bed in the mornings, why he can’t even motivate himself to join the others for meals sometimes, why it’s so painful to keep the fake smile plastered on his face for the cameras. Because they have to keep up the image that everything is okay, that they haven’t been affected, even though they all feel like locking themselves away and crying. And Jongdae _hurts_ , hurts so deeply, and he doesn’t know how to deal with it.

He knows the others have enough on their plates without worrying about how detached Jongdae is becoming from everything, and he constantly feels guilty for causing more problems than they need.

So when Junmyeon finally approaches him after a few weeks have gone by, Jongdae tries to pretend that nothing is wrong. Junmyeon, of course, sees right through him. “Jongdae,” he sighs, sitting next to Jongdae heavily. “I know this has been tough on you, but we’re all suffering right now. Please let us help.”

“I just - you don’t understand,” Jongdae mumbles.

“Don’t I?” Junmyeon asks wryly.

Jongdae flinches guiltily. “I’m sorry hyung. I didn’t mean that. I’m being selfish, I’m sorry.”

Junmyeon shakes his head, smiling sadly. “No, Jongdae, it’s okay. Kr- _him_ being gone affects me a lot, obviously.” He takes a deep breath. “But it affects you differently, in a way I could never understand. It means something different for you.”

“It must be worse for you, though,” Jongdae insists. “After all, you -”

“He was your _leader_ ,” Junmyeon interrupts. “He was a role model for you and a caretaker and someone who you could depend on, and now he’s gone. I would say that that’s a more profound loss than me losing - whatever it was he was to me.”

“Someone you’re in love with?” Jongdae asks softly, and Junmyeon looks away, grimacing. “Hyung, I appreciate that you recognize how important he was to me, but don’t try to downplay how important he was to _you_. You don’t have to be strong all the time.”

“I’m the leader,” Junmyeon says quietly. “Of course I do.”

Jongdae suddenly feels even worse about how much he’s been moping when Junmyeon obviously has been suffering infinitely more. He pulls Junmyeon into a tight hug. “You can let yourself be sad or angry or whatever you need to feel to deal with this, hyung. You deserve that. We all understand.”

Junmyeon smiles sadly at him. “Thank you, Jongdae-yah. And I hope you’re feeling a little better now. You’re not alone in this, okay?”

Jongdae takes Junmyeon’s hand and squeezes it gently. “I know.”

(A few weeks later, during which Jongdae has slowly managed to stop being so miserable all the time, Baekhyun bursts into Jongdae’s room and informs him that he overheard Junmyeon talking to someone on the phone the previous night, and that the caller was clearly a male. It’s pretty obvious, based on the grin on Baekhyun’s face, who exactly their leader was talking to, and it makes Jongdae’s heart feel a little lighter to know that Junmyeon can still have this little piece of happiness.)

~~~

Just when they’ve reached some kind of normalcy and have mostly recovered from the shock of losing a member, things plummet even further.

Jongdae can already tell something is wrong from the moment he steps out into the living room after a nap to find only the M members gathered there. “Did the others have a schedule today?” Jongdae asks quietly.

“Yes,” Minseok replies softly. “And then Luhan - he, um, said he has something he needs to tell us.” Minseok has his hand in Luhan’s like always, but he looks just as lost as the rest of them, and more than anything else, that’s what makes Jongdae’s heart sink; because if even _Minseok_ doesn’t know, then it must be really bad. Jongdae sits down between Yixing and Tao wordlessly, and Tao immediately hooks his arm around Jongdae’s, holding his hand tightly.

They sit in silence for a moment, staring at Luhan questioningly, when suddenly, without warning, Luhan bursts into tears. “I’m so sorry,” he chokes out, burying his face in his hands. “I’m so, so sorry.”

And Jongdae knows exactly what Luhan is going to say next, because while the signs had developed differently in Luhan than they had in Kris, they’re still there. The members all know about Luhan’s struggles with his mental health, what he’s been dealing with since predebut - his chronic fear of flying, his anxiety, his insomnia, his propensity for panic attacks - and how they’ve only gotten worse over the years. Flying from country to country every other day for their concerts hasn’t made things any easier, and it’s taken a visible toll on Luhan.

“Luhan.” Minseok’s voice is surprisingly stable as he gazes steadily at Luhan, squeezing his hand gently. “It’s okay. Just say it.”

Luhan sobs harder at that, gripping Minseok’s hand tightly. “I - I don’t want to.”

Tao clings to Jongdae’s arm even more tightly, and Jongdae knows he’s trying hard not to burst into tears too. On Jongdae’s other side, Yixing shifts uncomfortably. “Lu-ge...please just tell us.” Yixing’s voice sounds so small, so broken, and Jongdae can’t help the way he reflexively wraps his free arm around the older boy in an attempt to comfort him.

“I’m - you all already know I have to, I can’t - I -” Luhan rubs at his eyes with both hands, trying in vain to stop crying long enough to string a sentence together. His breathing has elevated significantly now, which is something they’re all familiar enough with to recognize as a tell-tale sign that he’s about to have a full-blown panic attack.

The rest of them watch as Minseok, being the most knowledgeable about what works best to calm Luhan down, immediately springs into action. “Luhan,” he murmurs. “Can I touch you?” Luhan nods shakily, tears still streaming down his face as Minseok carefully wraps an arm around his shoulders and pulls him closer. “You’re okay, Lu. You’re okay. And we’re okay too. I promise, whatever you say, we _will_ be okay.”

Jongdae briefly wonders how Minseok can be so calm about the situation, when personally, he kind of feels like the whole world is crumbling under his feet. But although Minseok’s eyes are full of tears that haven’t fallen yet, his face only conveys worry; there’s no sign of anger or disappointment or betrayal at all.

“I’ll miss you all so much,” Luhan finally whispers, looking up at last, tears cascading down his cheeks. “Y-you’re all my family. I don’t want to do this to you. But I c-can’t do this anymore.” His voice trembles as he forces out the last words.

Tears slip out of Jongdae’s eyes as he listens to Luhan saying what, deep down, he thinks he’s already known for a while. He can feel Tao’s body shaking next to him and knows he’s crying too. On Jongdae’s other side, Yixing has gone completely rigid, listening to his best friend say the words Jongdae knows he’s been afraid of hearing ever since Kris left, and Jongdae grips him tighter. “Lu-ge,” Yixing finally breathes out, and they can all hear how he’s trying to keep his voice steady. “It-it’s okay. It’s fine.”

Luhan just trembles in Minseok’s arms, unable to stop crying, and finally, Jongdae can’t take it anymore. He carefully untangles himself from Tao and Yixing, walks over to the two eldest members, and nearly collapses on top of Luhan as he pulls him into a tight embrace. “W-we love you, Lu-ge,” Jongdae mumbles into his shoulder, and it’s only when his voice wavers that he realizes he’s crying too. “And we understand.”

Moments later, Yixing and Tao join them, and it’s a heartbreakingly familiar scene: the members of EXO-M huddled together, trying to gain comfort from each other, even as another one of them takes their leave.

~~~

Jongdae is lying on his bed, resolutely ignoring the world, when there’s a tentative knock on his door. “Jongdae? Can I come in?” It’s Chanyeol, Jongdae knows, because of his two best friends, Chanyeol is better at trying to be empathetic.

“It’s unlocked,” Jongdae returns, his back to the door as Chanyeol quietly walks in.

Jongdae feels the bed dip as Chanyeol sits down, a hand immediately coming up to stroke Jongdae’s hair. “How are you, Jongdae?”

“Fine,” Jongdae replies shortly.

Chanyeol’s hand stills in Jongdae’s hair for a moment, and Jongdae feels a twinge of guilt for being so abrupt. “Seriously, Jongdae. I’m worried about you - we all are.”

“I’m _fine_ ,” Jongdae repeats, squeezing his eyes shut. “I _have to be_.”

He hears Chanyeol inhale sharply. “Stop it, Jongdae. No one expects you to be okay.”

“I _do_ have to be okay,” Jongdae mumbles, but it sounds broken even to his own ears; tears are already spilling out of his eyes as he says it. “ _SM_ says I have to be okay.”

“Come here,” Chanyeol whispers, lying down next to him and pulling Jongdae into his arms as Jongdae buries his face in Chanyeol’s chest. “Forget what SM says. It’s _normal_ to not be okay, Jongdae. None of us are right now.”

“How could he leave, Chanyeol?” Jongdae whispers, his words muffled by Chanyeol’s shirt. “I saw it coming with Kris-hyung, but Lu-hyung just - this was his _life_. He _loved_ performing with us, being part of this group. It tore him apart just to _tell_ us he was leaving. He didn’t even actually _want_ to go.”

Jongdae doesn’t realize what he’s said until Chanyeol asks, his voice strained, “What do you mean? I would say he looked pretty sure of himself when he told us.”

Jongdae tenses. “Um.” He makes the mistake of glancing up at Chanyeol, where he sees confusion and hurt all over his face, and Jongdae can’t _not_ tell the truth now. “He told us first,” he admits numbly. “He told Minseok-hyung, Yixing-hyung, Tao, and me before everyone else.”

“The M members,” Chanyeol clarifies quietly, his face softening into understanding.

“He said he owed it to us to tell us first,” Jongdae continues miserably. “We could barely even understand what he was saying, he was crying so much. And he said he didn’t want to leave, but he just couldn’t live like this anymore.” Jongdae looks at Chanyeol guiltily. “I’m sorry none of us told the rest of you that we already knew.”

Chanyeol shakes his head. “Don’t apologize for that, Jongdae. We understand. All of EXO is hurting right now, but M is hurting the most.”

“Thank you,” Jongdae breathes. “Thank you for understanding.” Chanyeol just holds him tighter, kisses the top of his head gently, and they lie like that long enough for Jongdae to begin drifting off to sleep.

He’s somewhere halfway between being awake and asleep when he vaguely registers Baekhyun walking in. “How is he?” Jongdae hears him ask Chanyeol softly.

“I think he’s doing better,” Chanyeol whispers back, shifting slightly so that Baekhyun can crawl over both of them and lie on Jongdae’s other side. Jongdae feels Baekhyun’s arm come up to wrap around Jongdae’s waist, feels Chanyeol’s hand link with Baekhyun’s over him.

“Good. Sleep well, Jongdae,” Baekhyun murmurs, curling closer into Jongdae’s side and pressing the tiniest of kisses to his shoulder. It’s something he would never do if they were all awake, something Jongdae would ordinarily give him a hard time about, but now, Jongdae sleepily leans into the touch instead. There really isn’t enough room for all three of them to sleep on Jongdae’s bed together, but in his half-asleep state, Jongdae doesn’t care about that. All he knows is that for the first time since Luhan left, he doesn’t feel so alone; he just feels warm and cared for, surrounded by his two best friends.

~~~

Jongdae strolls into Minseok’s room with the intention of hanging out there for a few hours. As he walks in, briefly, he wonders how Minseok can stand staying in this room by himself, when the memories of Kris and Luhan, his former roommates, still linger within the walls.

The thought vanishes from his mind when upon entering, he’s met with the sight of Minseok guiltily slamming his laptop shut and trying to look inconspicuous. “Hi Jongdae, what’s up?”

Jongdae gives him a look. “Minseok-hyung.”

“What?” Minseok asks innocently.

“Stop it,” Jongdae retorts.

“I’m not doing anything,” Minseok points out, and technically, he’s right. But Jongdae knows him too well to be fooled. He knows exactly what Minseok was just doing - exactly _who_ Minseok was just talking to.

“You know, you’ve been looking a lot happier recently,” Jongdae says casually. “Like, you’ve been smiling and laughing, and it doesn’t look forced anymore.”

“So?” Minseok fidgets uncomfortably, sensing that he’s been caught.

“How is he, hyung?” Jongdae sighs, tired of skirting around the topic.

“How is who?” Minseok tries to deflect.

“If you try to avoid answering one more time, I will open that laptop and call him myself,” Jongdae threatens, though his voice lacks any kind of heat.

“He’s good,” Minseok finally answers in a small voice. “He’s not - _happier_ , not yet anyway, but he _is_ healthier, at least.”

“That’s good.” Jongdae nods approvingly. “Whenever you talk to him next, tell him he’s the worst and that I miss him and love him a lot.”

“Why don’t you just do it yourself?” Minseok inquires with a raised eyebrow.

Jongdae shrugs. “I mean, _technically_ , I’m not allowed to have any communication with him, right? You have an excuse. Junmyeon-hyung can’t yell at _you_ for still talking to Lu-hyung, not when he talks to Kris-hyung every other week.”

“I doubt he would yell at you either,” Minseok points out. “It’s not like _he’s_ the one trying to cut us off from them.”

“Still.” Jongdae lies down on the bed next to where Minseok is sitting and sprawls out comfortably. “It’s probably best for now if we limit the amount of contact we have with them.”

“I guess,” Minseok agrees, a sad smile on his face.

Jongdae watches him for a moment, his mind buzzing with curiosity. “Hey, Minseok-hyung?” he finally blurts out when he can’t stand it anymore.

Minseok looks at him, his head tilted slightly in confusion. “Yeah?”

“This might be a weird question,” Jongdae tells him. “You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”

Minseok shakes his head fondly. “Of course I’ll answer, Jongdae.”

“Okay,” Jongdae agrees. “Well, I was just wondering...you were obviously really sad about Lu-hyung leaving, but you were never mad like Junmyeon-hyung was when Kris-hyung left. Why not?”

“It’s more simple than you think.” Minseok smiles wryly. “There was nothing to be mad about in my case. Junmyeon had every right to be angry - Kris left him with no explanation at all. But Lu...I was so worried about him for so long, you know? And I knew, in the back of my mind, that it might have to come to this.”

“So you expected it?” Jongdae presses.

“In a way,” Minseok confirms. “It just got more and more obvious that as much as he loved EXO, as much as he loved us, this was just - it was too much. It was killing him. And seeing him in that kind of pain...it killed me.” His voice is sad, Jongdae notes, but also accepting. They had all been surprised when Minseok took Luhan leaving better than any of them, but now it makes sense why. “I decided if he had to leave to get better, then I could handle that. Because anything was preferable to watching him suffer.”

Jongdae remains silent for a few moments, before wondering aloud. “But you’ll still be _together_ , right?”

“We’re going to do our best,” Minseok tells him, and Jongdae is struck by how sure of himself Minseok is. It makes him happy that his friend has someone who means so much to him. “I love him more than I’ve ever loved anyone. So if it’s worth it to him, then it’s worth it to me too.”

~~~

“Hi Xing Xing-ge,” Jongdae sings as he walks into the room.

Yixing jumps in his seat, startled, before realizing who’s in the room and relaxing in relief. “Oh, it’s you.”

Jongdae sprawls across Yixing’s bed, staring at the ceiling as Yixing turns away from his desk to look at him. “No need to sound so excited to see me, ge.”

“Sorry, Chen Chen,” Yixing apologizes immediately. “Of course I’m excited to see you, I’m just trying to write these lyrics and -”

“You don’t need to explain, silly.” Jongdae cuts him off with a smile. “I was just messing with you.”

Yixing shakes his head fondly at the younger. “So did you come in here just to lie on my bed and mess with me?”

“No,” Jongdae replies, sitting up and facing Yixing properly. “I knew you probably didn’t want to be interrupted since you’re writing.”

“And you still came in,” Yixing points out.

“I don’t want you to be alone while you’re writing this song,” Jongdae explains simply. “You’ll get really sad and depressed and I don’t like seeing you like that.”

Yixing looks taken aback but touched. “Thank you, Jongdae.”

“I know you want this song to have a lot of meaning,” Jongdae continues, smiling in acknowledgement of Yixing’s gratitude. “But it’s a very emotional subject, isn’t it? So I just think you shouldn’t be alone.”

“It means a lot that you care so much, Jongdae,” Yixing tells him sincerely.

“Of course I care,” Jongdae says like it’s obvious, because he thinks it should be. _I care about you_ so much _and I’m so afraid you’ll leave too_ , he doesn’t add. “You’re one of my best friends in the world.”

“You’re one of mine too, Chen Chen,” Yixing returns happily.

Jongdae grins in response, a rush of warmth flooding through him. “You know, you can go back to writing if you want, Xing Xing-ge. I’ll stop bothering you.”

“You aren’t bothering me!” Yixing assures him. “I’m struggling with it, to be honest. It’s really difficult to write such an emotional song.”

Jongdae hesitates for a moment. “If you want, I - my Mandarin isn’t great, I know, but if you wanted, I could - maybe try to help you?” He thinks Yixing will probably politely decline; Jongdae’s Mandarin is much worse than “not great,” after all, even though he’s really tried to keep learning, and anyway, this song is meaningful to Yixing in a way that it can’t be to Jongdae. It’s for the fans, of course, but Jongdae knows Yixing’s plan for it involves sending a message to the members who left too, which is why he anticipates Yixing’s refusal.

To Jongdae’s surprise, Yixing’s face lights up. “That’s a great idea! Thank you so much!”

“Really?” Jongdae asks, suddenly excited by the prospect of writing a song with Yixing.

“Of course. It makes sense, since you understand what I’m trying to express just as well as I do,” Yixing reasons. “Out of everyone, you’re probably the most qualified to help me with this.” Jongdae nods in understanding, because Yixing does have a point; only the remaining M members would _really_ be able to properly say what needs to be expressed, and of the four of them, Jongdae and Yixing are the only ones who seriously write music.

Time flies by as they exchange ideas, comforting each other when they get a little too emotional. When they mutually agree that they can’t do anything more today, Yixing wraps an arm around Jongdae’s shoulders and squeezes gently. “Thank you for being here with me, Jongdae.”

Jongdae flashes him a soft smile, the one reserved specially for Yixing. “I’ll always be here for you, ge.” _And you’ll always be here for us. Right?_

~~~

Yixing isn’t the one who leaves, in the end. Tao is.

In a lot of ways, Tao’s departure is the worst. With Kris, they had all seen it coming, so it was sad, but they understood. With Luhan, it was full of emotions and tears, but Luhan still keeps in contact with them relatively openly, so it isn’t as painful anymore. But with Tao, they had to actually watch him suffer through the pain of being forced to perform on an injured ankle, had to watch his love for being in EXO die before their eyes. And _that_ hurt more than anything else.

~~~

The first nightmare comes in May.

_Jongdae is lost in a crowd, drowning in a sea of faceless people. He’s not afraid of large crowds, of course, but there’s something unnerving about being entirely by himself without a discernible face in sight._

_“There you are, Jongdae!” Jongdae spins around to see Yixing smiling at him and he immediately feels calm. “We’ve been looking for you, where did you wander off to?”_

_He pulls Jongdae close to him, still beaming, and brings him over to his ten companions, all of whom are just as happy to see Jongdae as Yixing is. Jongdae feels a smile bloom on his face as he looks around, seeing the familiar faces devoid of the fatigue and half-hearted smiles he usually sees._

_Kris has an arm around Junmyeon, and it’s been a long time since Jongdae has seen either of them look so content. Minseok has his fingers tangled with Luhan’s, his head resting comfortably on Luhan’s shoulder. Tao stands between Sehun and Baekhyun, laughing at something Chanyeol is saying. A rush of warmth floods through Jongdae’s body; he’s missed this._

_But almost immediately, everything looks a little darker, and the air feels colder than it had a moment ago._

_“Well, we’re leaving, “ Kris announces abruptly._

_Jongdae’s smile fades, and with it, his sense of peace disappears too. “But I just got here. Aren’t you going to stay?”_

_“No,” Tao denies without elaborating. “We’re going.”_

_The happiness that had been radiating from the group just moments ago has vanished. Junmyeon looks close to tears, and Luhan really_ is _crying as he lets go of Minseok. The whole situation is uncomfortably, heartbreakingly familiar._

_“Come on, then,” Luhan mumbles, refusing to meet anyone’s eyes. “Let’s go.”_

Who is he talking to? _Jongdae wonders, considering how Kris and Tao are already lined up to go. He looks around at his friends and finds that everyone is looking at him sympathetically. His heart starts beating a little faster._ What’s going on?

_It feels like hours that they stand there in silence, staring at him, but then he feels Yixing slowly let go of his waist, and his blood runs cold. “No,” Jongdae breathes. “No.”_

_“Yes,” Yixing says quietly._

_“Xing Xing-ge,” Jongdae pleads, his voice cracking into a sob. “Yixing-ge, please. You can’t leave!”_

_Yixing just looks at him sadly. “Good bye, Jongdae.”_

_With that, the four Chinese members fade into the crowd of nameless faces, and Jongdae collapses to his knees, crying as the other members watch him with pity in their eyes, and -_

“Jongdae!” And suddenly, he’s sitting upright in his bed, panting heavily, his heart racing. His face is wet, not just from sweat, he realizes, but because he’s crying. He looks around, wiping at his eyes furiously. Sitting at the edge of his bed, gazing worriedly at him, is none other than Yixing. “Jongdae?” he asks gently. “What happened?”

Jongdae stares at him for a long moment, willing himself to believe that it had all been a dream, that Yixing really is sitting here in front of him. “I - it was just -”

Yixing brings up a hand to wipe a tear off Jongdae’s face, and Jongdae closes his eyes and leans into the touch immediately. “Was it a nightmare?”

“Yes,” Jongdae whispers, shivering slightly.

“If you want to talk about it,” Yixing starts slowly, but Jongdae shakes his head hurriedly, his eyes flying open. The last thing he wants is to tell Yixing about this bizarre dream, specially when it pertains to such a touchy subject.

“No,” Jongdae says quietly. Yixing doesn’t press the issue, just as Jongdae knew he wouldn’t, because Yixing is too nice and too respectful to try. He looks at Yixing meekly, trying not to seem too desperate. “Can you - can you just stay with me, Xing Xing-ge?”

Yixing smiles warmly at him. “Of course, Chen Chen.” And without another word, Yixing slides under the covers next to Jongdae and pulls him into his chest, keeping his arms draped loosely around Jongdae’s waist. “Sleep well, Jongdae-yah.”

And Jongdae does, feeling infinitely safer wrapped up in Yixing’s arms.

(But the next time he has a nightmare, a week later, Yixing isn’t there when he wakes up.)

~~~

“Why do you look so tired, Minseok-hyung?” Jongin asks concernedly. They’re all scattered across the living room, eating breakfast and conversing in pairs or groups of three, but Jongin’s question shifts all the attention onto Minseok.

“I just had some trouble falling asleep,” Minseok answers, smiling easily. “Don’t worry, Jonginnie. I’m fine.” Jongdae can immediately tell he’s lying. Minseok is smiling, yes, but Jongdae recognizes it as the smile he would use when he was trying to convince Kris that it didn’t bother him that he had to rely almost completely on the translator during interviews.

It seems to placate Jongin, who turns back to his conversation with Sehun and Kyungsoo, as well as Chanyeol and Baekhyun, who go back to competing over who can eat more in the shortest amount of time. Only Junmyeon still looks unconvinced, but perhaps sensing that Minseok doesn’t want to share, he doesn’t press the issue further.

Jongdae, on the other hand, turns in his seat to face Minseok and whispers, “You’re telling me what happened later, don’t think you’re getting out of this.”

Minseok groans quietly and nods resignedly. After breakfast is over, Jongdae drags Minseok to his room and seats Minseok on the vacant bed that hasn’t been occupied by Yixing for a few days now. “How could you tell?” Minseok asks quietly.

Jongdae looks at him sternly as he sits down next to Minseok. “You were smiling your fake smile. Now, explain.”

“Lu called last night at two in the morning, crying,” Minseok sighs. “It took half an hour just to calm him down.”

“Was there a reason he was crying?” Jongdae is hesitant to ask, in case it was something private, but his curiosity gets the better of him.

“He listened to ‘Promise’ for the first time,” Minseok explains. “He had, um, a very _strong_ reaction to it.”

Jongdae winces in understanding. “I can imagine.”

“He was okay all through the Korean version, apparently,” Minseok continues. “He said to pass on his congratulations to you and Chanyeol for writing the song, by the way, since he could text Yixing about it but had no way of contacting you. He really liked it. But when the Mandarin version started, he lost it.”

“It was kind of obvious who it was directed to, wasn’t it?” Jongdae muses, shifting to rest his head on Minseok’s shoulder. “I tried to help Yixing-hyung be a little more subtle about it, but we decided that it wouldn’t be as meaningful if we tried to completely mask the real message.”

“You were right,” Minseok agrees softly, brushing a few strands of hair off Jongdae’s forehead. “I nearly cried myself the first time I listened to it, actually.”

“I miss them,” Jongdae murmurs after a few moments of comfortable silence. “I think about them every day.” He suddenly, fiercely wishes Yixing were here too. The three of them, they’re the only remaining members of M, and even though everyone in EXO loved the members who left, Jongdae, Yixing, and Minseok have a bond with them that the K members can’t really share.

Minseok squeezes his shoulder. “I know. I know exactly how you feel. Of course I’m happy with how things are now. But it just isn’t the same, is it?”

~~~

“Jongdae, look at this,” Baekhyun demands, striding purposefully into Jongdae’s room, seating himself on the bed that Jongdae is currently situated on, and shoving his phone at Jongdae insistently. “Look! He posted this for your birthday.” Jongdae takes it reluctantly, glancing down at the screen, his heart speeding up at what he sees. It’s a selfie of himself and Yixing from a while ago. They look happy. Jongdae tries to ignore the lump in the back of his throat. “He wished you happy birthday, apologized, _and_ said that he was grateful for you.”

“I can read,” Jongdae deadpans, trying to mask the fact that he feels like curling up into a ball and crying.

Baekhyun huffs impatiently. “Come on, Jongdae. You’re being kind of a jerk, and anyway, you can’t ignore him forever. You _know_ Yixing-hyung, there’s no way he isn’t being sincere.”

 _But that’s not the problem_ , Jongdae thinks sadly. “You don’t understand, Baekhyun,” he sighs. “I know you’re just trying to help, but it’s just - different, okay? My relationship with him is more...complicated than you know.”

“Maybe I don’t know,” Baekhyun interrupts. “But I _do_ know that the last thing this group needs is a falling-out between members. And I seriously doubt Yixing-hyung has done anything to deserve this from you.”

 _It’s not what he’s done_ , Jongdae thinks. _It’s what he might do_. “I know he’s being sincere,” Jongdae says, choosing to ignore Baekhyun’s added remark. “He doesn’t know how to be anything _but_ sincere.”

“So then _what_ is the problem, Jongdae?” Baekhyun asks, and Jongdae doesn’t blame him for the frustration slowly creeping into his voice.

“I - it’s - it’s complicated,” Jongdae stammers. He’s suddenly overcome with the desire to tell Baekhyun everything, to spill every thought that’s haunted him since Tao left.

Baekhyun’s expression softens. “Please tell me, Jongdae. I just want to help.”

Jongdae locks eyes with his friend, sees the genuine worry painted all over his face, and the walls in Jongdae’s mind crumble. He takes a deep breath. “I - I haven’t gotten a restful night of sleep in nearly five months.” The concern on Baekhyun’s face only deepens at that, but he doesn’t interrupt. “It’s because I have nightmares pretty much every night.”

“About what?” Baekhyun’s voice is soft, like he’s already guessed the answer.

“Yixing-hyung is really important to me, you know? And here I am, _every single night_ , dreaming that he - he -” Jongdae falters.

“Say it. You’re doing so well,” Baekhyun encourages, wrapping a comforting arm around Jongdae’s shoulders and rubbing his arm soothingly. “You need to let this out, Jongdae.”

“I keep dreaming about him leaving EXO!” Jongdae blurts out miserably. “I keep dreaming that he _leaves us_. And I wake up every time, crying, covered in sweat, and I tell myself it was just a dream, and then I look around, and - and _his_ _bed is always empty_.” Baekhyun’s grip on Jongdae tightens. “What am I supposed to _do_ , Baekhyun? How can I act like everything is fine when every moment of my life is haunted by the possibility of him leaving us just like everyone else did?”

“Jongdae,” Baekhyun starts gently. “Have you told anyone else about this?”

“I only told Junmyeon-hyung,” Jongdae mumbles. “And that was only because he immediately knew something was wrong and wouldn’t leave me alone until I told him. But Minseok-hyung knows too, I’m pretty sure, because I think he’s seen me in the middle of one.”

“You didn’t have to hide this,” Baekhyun tells him sadly. “Especially not from me. You’re my best friend.” He’s quiet for a few moments, seemingly conflicted over whether he should continue speaking or not. Eventually, he hesitantly asks, “Can I ask you kind of a weird question?” Jongdae nods, wondering what Baekhyun could possibly be so nervous about asking. “Are you - have you ever considered that you might be, um, in love with Yixing-hyung?”

Jongdae doesn’t mean to react the way he does, by choking on his spit in apparent shock. In reality, he isn’t really surprised by the question, but he is a little taken aback by how straightforward Baekhyun is as he asks. “I - yes, actually, I have.” It isn’t a lie, either, because Jongdae has spent countless nights, wondering _why, why, why_ the thought of Yixing leaving affects him so much, and at first, he wasn’t sure how to unriddle his overwhelming feelings, but eventually, after endless nights of heartbreakingly real nightmares, he had to admit to himself that the answer was glaringly obvious. “And I’ve concluded that yeah, I am.”

Baekhyun just looks at him, and Jongdae turns away so he doesn’t have to see the sympathy in Baekhyun’s eyes. “I’m sorry for asking so suddenly,” Baekhyun apologizes sincerely. “I guess I just thought, you know, it could be the reason why you’re so scared of him leaving. Because we’re all afraid of that, Jongdae. It scares all of us, but your fear has always been so much more extreme. At least now I know why.”

“I know,” Jongdae sighs. “I used to think maybe it was an EXO-M thing, like trauma of losing three members of M made me more scared to lose another one, but Minseok-hyung doesn’t feel as strongly about it as I do either.” He meets Baekhyun’s eyes and smiles bitterly. “So yeah, I’m in love with him, but it doesn’t really matter either way now, does it? Not when I’ve pretty much destroyed our entire relationship.”

Baekhyun looks at him sadly. “No, Jongdae. You haven’t. If you would just _talk_ to him -”

“I can’t, Baekhyun,” Jongdae insists.

“Why not?” Baekhyun asks, clearly unable to understand Jongdae’s reasoning.

“Because I _know_ him,” Jongdae answers quietly, looking away from Baekhyun’s concerned gaze. “I _know_ how he is. I’m scared that if I tell him I love him, he might forgive me. And that’s exactly what I don’t deserve.”

~~~

Jongdae is lying on Yixing’s bed, his eyes closed but still feeling wide awake when he hears the door open. There’s a tired groan as the door shuts again, followed by the thud of bags hitting the floor. Jongdae remembers Junmyeon specifically telling him yesterday that Yixing wasn’t going to return from China until Friday, and it’s only Wednesday now, but after all these years, Jongdae knows Yixing like the back of his hand. Right from their EXO-M days, Yixing has only ever given such specific information when he’s lying about it, in an attempt to surprise the other members with his arrival. It’s reassuring, in a way, that Jongdae can still predict Yixing’s actions like this.

There’s a long period of silence, and for a moment, Jongdae is afraid that Yixing might have fallen asleep against the door. Fortunately, Jongdae’s fear is unfounded, because Yixing lets out another quiet groan before he starts to slowly shuffle across the floor. He’s navigating entirely in the dark, Jongdae realizes with a little pang of guilt. It kind of makes him want to cry, that even after everything that’s happened between them, Yixing’s priority is still Jongdae’s comfort over his own. He can hear Yixing moving around the room and knows that Yixing has finally discovered that Jongdae isn’t in his own bed when he hears a soft gasp of surprise.

Suddenly, there’s a hand brushing a few stray strands of hair off Jongdae’s forehead gently. Jongdae has to actively fight the urge to lean into the touch. “Sleep well, Jongdae,” Yixing whispers in Mandarin, and his voice is so achingly fond, in a way that Jongdae doesn’t deserve, that Jongdae can’t pretend to be asleep anymore, can’t stop himself from reaching out to hold Yixing’s wrist, his eyes fluttering open to look at his friend.

“Yixing-ge?” Jongdae breathes, and even though he wasn’t actually asleep, he can hear the tiredness in his own voice, knows that Yixing can hear it too.

Yixing’s eyes sweep over his face like Jongdae is a puzzle he’s trying to solve. “Were you - did you stay up waiting for me?”

Jongdae considers lying, but there’s something glimmering in Yixing’s eyes, something heartbreakingly similar to hope, and Jongdae is suddenly tired of pretending. “Yes,” he admits quietly.

“How did you know?” Yixing asks, tentatively sitting on the edge of the bed. “I told Junmyeon-hyung that I wasn’t coming back until the end of the week.”

“It wasn’t that hard to figure out,” Jongdae mumbles. “You’ve been doing this for almost five years now.”

“You knew I was coming back tonight, but you’re still in my bed.” Yixing sounds confused, and Jongdae doesn’t blame him.

“Force of habit, I guess,” Jongdae says, trying to sound nonchalant.

Yixing is silent for a moment, tearing his gaze away from Jongdae’s face to look down fixedly at his hands. “Why did this happen, Jongdae? Why did you let this happen to us?” His voice is small, and Jongdae’s heart shatters.

“Yixing-ge,” Jongdae starts, but he doesn’t know what to say, if there’s even anything he _can_ say, to make this better.

“I don’t think I’m imagining that you miss me when I’m gone.” Yixing cuts him off, his voice slowly gaining purpose. “You wouldn’t be sleeping in my bed, and you wouldn’t be awake right now if you didn’t. So I don’t understand. Why have you been acting the way you have?”

Jongdae wants to disappear, disintegrate right there into the sheets on Yixing’s bed because he knows that as much as he’s been feeling tortured and hurt trying to keep up this act, Yixing has had it a million times worse. He already knows that nothing he says will be enough to justify himself, but he finds himself opening his mouth and spilling every thought that has been festering in his mind anyway.

“Every night,” he begins, his mouth dry, “I see EXO with only eight members.” Yixing looks at him with questions in his eyes, but he says nothing. “I close my eyes, and I’m in a world where, for one reason or another, you leave us.” Jongdae swallows, looking into Yixing’s eyes, imploring him to understand even though he knows he doesn’t deserve it. “I know it won’t happen. Really, I know you won’t, you would never. But these dreams...they happen _every night_. They always end in you being gone. And when I wake up -”

“The room is empty,” Yixing murmurs. “And your fear doesn’t go away.”

“It’s not an excuse,” Jongdae tells him. “I know it isn’t. And even if it was, it’s not a very good one. You don’t deserve how I’ve treated you. But I can’t - I can’t _lose_ you.”

“Isn’t that exactly what you’ve done, though?” Yixing asks, and his voice isn’t unkind, but he’s not sugarcoating it either.

“I didn’t want to lose you like - like _that_. So permanently and out of my control,” Jongdae amends shakily, his voice barely above a whisper. He’s never said it out loud before, has never admitted it to anyone but himself, and now that it’s out, he wants to take it back because of how horrifyingly selfish it is. “I care so much, _so much_ , about you. _Too_ much. I guess I thought that maybe if I just, I don’t know, _didn’t_ anymore, then it would all stop. And I would be able to look at you and see the Yixing I love instead of the Yixing I’m afraid will rip my heart out.”

Yixing smiles wryly at him. “So it does have to do with love, then. I was wondering whether you’d bring it up.”

“What?” Jongdae asks, confused. He feels like the conversation has suddenly veered from his comprehension. “Bring what up?”

“Love,” Yixing says simply. “People use love to justify a lot of things.” He doesn’t sound accusatory, but Jongdae feels the words pierce his heart anyway.

“I’m not trying to justify anything,” Jongdae counters. “I love you and I literally acted like you didn’t exist anyway. It’s _repulsive_. There’s nothing justifiable about it.” Bitterness seeps into his voice as he speaks, and with each word, self-hatred and guilt build up in his mind.

Yixing stares at him for a few long moments, clearly surprised at Jongdae’s bluntness. “Jongdae…”

“Don’t,” Jongdae interrupts willing himself not to cry. “Please don’t say anything else about it.”

“Why?” Yixing asks, his gaze fixed steadily on Jongdae. “Don’t you want to know what I think?”

“Of course I do,” Jongdae whispers. “But I don’t really deserve to know, do I?” He laughs humorlessly. “Funnily enough, this isn’t really how I imagined this conversation going.”

“You’ve imagined this conversation?” Despite the seriousness of the situation, Yixing looks almost amused at that.

“I’ve imagined lots of conversations,” Jongdae says quietly. “But this one in particular comes up a lot.”

“And how does it usually go?” Yixing tilts his head curiously.

“Well, let’s just say it’s currently going much more smoothly than anticipated,” Jongdae tells him, but Yixing just continues to look at him expectantly, so Jongdae reluctantly continues. “Sometimes you tell me I’m awful and unforgivable, but really, for the most part, you just...completely ignore me.”

“Why would you imagine that?” Yixing looks genuinely hurt, and Jongdae inwardly curses himself for upsetting Yixing once again. “Do you really think that little of me?”

“No,” Jongdae denies immediately, his voice firm. “I think you’re amazing and wonderful and one of the kindest and most genuinely good people in the world. And that’s why I refused to imagine anything but a conversation where you reacted the way you should. The way I really deserve.” He closes his eyes so Yixing won’t see the tears welling up inside. “You shouldn't be listening to me trying to explain this at all, Yixing-ge. I’ve done nothing but hurt you for so long and no kind of explanation can ever make up for that. So why - why don’t you hate me?” The tears finally start spilling, and he’s helpless to stop them.

“I can’t hate you, Jongdae,” Yixing says softly. “I love you too much for that. Maybe not in the way you love me, but I could _never_ hate you. Especially because I know that you don’t hate me either.” He hesitates for a moment, before taking Jongdae’s hand in his own. “I won’t lie to you - there was a time when I thought you did.” Jongdae cries harder at that, and Yixing gently brushes away some of his tears with his free hand. “But believe me, it wasn’t hard to figure out that you _don’t_. I know you watch every show I appear on, and I know you listen to every song I’ve composed, and now I know how much you miss me when I’m gone.”

“I do miss you,” Jongdae hiccups, finally meeting Yixing’s eyes again, and he’s startled to find that Yixing looks like he’s on the verge of tears too. “I miss you so much. And trying to pretend that I don’t - it _hurts_. But I just don’t know how else to make it all _stop_!”

Yixing exhales sharply, and then a moment later, Jongdae is being pulled into one of the tightest, most desperate embraces he’s ever experienced. He relaxes into it automatically, inhaling Yixing’s familiar, comforting scent as his tears seep into Yixing’s shirt. “I’m sorry,” Yixing murmurs into Jongdae’s shoulder. “I’m so, so sorry.”

“I’m the one who should be sorry,” Jongdae mumbles, ashamed. “I did this to us. I _ruined_ everything we ever had between us. And I’m so sorry, Yixing-ge. I’m more sorry than I can ever say.”

“I know,” Yixing sighs, and he doesn’t sound upset like Jongdae thinks he should. “I know you are.” He pulls away slightly to look directly at Jongdae. “And I promise, Jongdae, I _promise_ there’s nothing you’ve ruined that isn’t fixable.”

It’s not the rejection Jongdae has believed for so long that he deserves, and it’s not the perfect resolution he’s refused to even consider as a possibility, either. But as he lies there with Yixing, he thinks that maybe it’s okay that Yixing doesn’t hate him, and maybe it’s time to stop hating himself, too. It’ll take time, Jongdae knows, lots and lots of time. In the comfort of Yixing’s arms, though, so familiar despite how long it’s been since the last time he’s experienced it, Jongdae thinks maybe it isn’t bad that Yixing forgives him; and maybe one day, he might even be able to forgive himself.

**Author's Note:**

> So this is something I started working on a year and a month ago, and I only just finished, so yay for productivity!
> 
> This was one of the most emotionally draining things I've ever written, and hopefully has discouraged me from ever writing angst again because it honestly KILLS me. I started writing this as a kind of way for me to work through my emotions about the tragedy that is/was EXO-M :( and it kind of spiralled out of control and also became a way for me to deal with my depression? Which is probably a large part of why it came out so angsty and sad so sorry about that :/
> 
> This was originally supposed to be even longer, but recently I started feeling kind of weighed down by this fic because of how long I was working on it, so I decided to cut some scenes. I'm not super happy with the ending (I had originally planned more), but I think the ambiguity works with the overall theme of the fic lol
> 
> The title is a lyric from Promise by EXO-M, aka the song that inspired me to write this in the first place!
> 
> As always, thank you for reading! Comments and feedback are always appreciated and welcome! :)


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